Back Cover: How to create your own monster name in Xenoblade Chronicles 3

In the magazine business, the back cover is where you’d find all the weird nonsense that we couldn’t fit anywhere else. Some may call it “padding”; we prefer “an entire page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the magazine.”

We don’t have web pages, but we still love awful jokes, so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page.

You know, when I was a kid, monsters used to have sensible names. Names like “Bowser” and “Ganon”, “Ridley” and “Sephiroth”. Cool mononyms, you know, like Cher and Madonna. They are memorable. Punchy. Sensible. If Bowser has a last name, I don’t know and I don’t want to know.

Nowadays, you’re less likely to get caught in a battle with Nemesis or Mother Brain, and more likely to come face to face with something called Ceaseless Discharge, a Dark Souls boss I still like. I can not believe exists. Please don’t name your horrible bosses after bodily fluids! That’s weird!!!

Extra incessant download
This is the Incessant Download. I would have called him something like, “Flame Boy”

At the same time… I love it. I really do. I love the moment when I walk into a boss arena and the name pops up, only to find out that this huge behemoth that I have to defeat has a name like GERALD THE NEVER WED, DESTRUCTOR OF SMORGASBORDS. It gives me a bit of sexy history. A bit of intrigue. I want to know more about Gerald, just like I want to stick a sword in one of his eighteen faces. Why has he never married? Was it because of his propensity to destroy smorgasbords? Was his fiancée a smorgasbord?? I need to know!

The latest game to employ this, shall we say, Tolkienesque approach to naming its monsters is Xenoblade Chronicles 3, which, for the record, I haven’t played yet, as I discussed in the previous video with one of our video partners, Zion. But I to have I’ve seen a list of something the game calls “Unique Monsters”, and I have to say that might actually be what drives me to play the game.

This is what I can say about Xenoblade Chronicles 3 from its… interesting naming conventions:

Petrivore Judomar

You may have heard the word petrichor, the name for the smell of the earth after rain. But have you heard of… petrivore? It is a combination of the Greek “petra”, which means rock, and the Latin “vorare”, to eat. Judomar loves to eat stones. That is the quality that defines Judomar. Apparently, he is a dinosaur-like boy, with a large mouth for chewing. And you know what they say: you have to work with what your mom gave you, and in this case, it was a big mouth to chew on. Live your joy, Judomar.

tracy sharp

This absolutely sounds like a soft but passive-aggressive nickname used in the teacher’s lounge to describe that very talkative girl in your class. And is it such a normal name? TRACY? I love that there are monsters named TRACY, like they were born in the 1970s. Sharpwitted Tracy used to have a huge perm and too many bracelets. She now runs a public relations company.

discreet liggy

I looked up what Discreet Liggy is, and it’s a spider. I like that. Spiders are generally quite inconspicuous: they build little webs in corners and usually try to stay out of the way unless they get stuck in the bathroom. Nevertheless. I can’t forgive the writing and/or localization team for naming a spider character “Liggy.” Like “long legs”. Because he is a spider. Let’s go guys.

mobile scooter

I don’t think this is a monster. This is an Italian scooter.

Gigantus jingoist

XC3 Jingoist Gigantus
That’s him. that’s the boy

jingoism is No an adjective I thought I’d ever see in a JRPG! I tend to hear it almost entirely in the context of Brexit, since it means “nationalism marked especially by a belligerent foreign policy”, and while I don’t get into politics here (this is a silly monster article, mate), it’s pretty unusual from a way that makes me want to know plus.

Gigantus actually has a picture on the Xenoblade wiki, and he’s a big orange gorilla-baboon hybrid. I have no idea why he’s jingoistic. Do you run a country? Do you have a foreign policy? Why is it important to know that he is extremely patriotic while fighting him? I honestly can’t wait to find out.

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(Additional note: Apparently Jingoistic Gigantus and Territorial Rotbart are similar enemies. Perhaps they’re just running a thesaurus on the word “territorial”?)

Kilocorn Grandeps

Kilocorn Grandeps raises an important question: Does it have 1,000 horns, like a unicorn does? Or is he just bragging about how much corn he has? Probably the first. But I hope for the latter.

fledgling francis

We have all had dreams. Budding Francis dreams of being a true Francis one day. It probably won’t be, since your mission is to kill him. Very sad.

sensitive catullus

800px Catull Sirmione
This is Catullus Sensitive. The real one, not the Xenoblade monster — Image: Schorle

They named a monster Xenoblade after… a Roman poet from the 1st century BC Sure. Why not. No one would be surprised if his two children were named Tracy and Catullus, right?

Catullus, the real one, who is not a monster, is known for his poetry, which is largely about his utter obsession with his married bride. He occasionally writes about other topics too, like cool ships, or how much he hates basically everyone who’s mean to his poems. It is fair to say that the man was “sensitive.”

I can’t legitimately imagine a monster with this name.

raucous rum

This sounds like the stage name of a weird clown that your uncle booked for your birthday party. He smells of cigarettes and divorce.

carly house hunter

Does everyone see Grand Designs? It’s a show where a likeable, exhausted man named Kevin McCloud meets a couple embarking on an overly ambitious, underbudget housing project, like “what if a house was inside a mountain?” or “let’s build one of three”. two-story mansion made out of nothing but bottles.” Kevin says “this is a stupid idea.” Then he visits them a year or two later, only to find that their house is still a pile of mud. He then says “I told you so “.

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Anyway, I imagine the Househunter Carly fight is like that, except you play as Kevin McCloud, and you have to beat her by convincing her that £1,000 isn’t enough to fix the kitchen.

indiscreet gombaba

Gombaba is not so much a monster as a friend who cannot be trusted to keep a single secret. Don’t say anything to Indiscreet Gombaba, because the first thing he will do is tell the person whose secret it is. This boss battle, I imagine, is just catching up with Gombaba while they drink and it doesn’t give them none juicy information, instead of keeping the conversation on safe topics like the weather and sports. Terribly boring.

Make your own stupid Xenoblade monster name

Take out your D20, roll it twice, here is your monster from Xenoblade Chronicles:

Number roll one roll two
1 cromulous Crustablorb
two milky extravagant
3 demagnetized crabcrabcrab
4 clingy nintendo switch
5 sauce flavored Wallace
6 Warm Julius Caesar
7 Tax evasion splunch
8 Octogenarian Toyota
9 artificially soured Pikachu
10 Clingy cheese beast
eleven Microwaveable Grandfather
12 Wrinkled Speeeeeeeeeep
13 Fully developed or established Bismoid
14 Internet Soup
fifteen free to play Gascoigne
sixteen Anonymous cryptocurrency
17 individually wrapped Leg
18 Legitimate fredward
19 travel size (the Frog)
twenty Dad Brian

dumbfounded Jerome
Unbelievably, this is “Astonished Jerome”

Apparently all Xenoblade games are like this. Other monsters include, and I’m not making this up, “Dumbfounded Jerome” and “Musical Vanflare,” which sounds like a fancy term for a really loud car. You could be forgiven for thinking that “Mysterious Barnaby”, “Unreliable Rezno” and “Final Marcus” were all Beatles B-sides written by Ringo, and that you should see a doctor if you ever experience “Calm Aglovale”, no either it becomes a “Raxeal Conflagrante”, or worse, a “Peeling Kircheis”.

You know, I could have played Xenoblade Chronicles a long time ago if it meant I could meet someone by the name chubby sprahda. Just say’.

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