In the magazine business, the back cover is where you’d find all the weird nonsense that we couldn’t fit anywhere else. Some may call it “filler”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the magazine.”
We don’t have (paper) pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes, so welcome to our semi-regular feature, back page. Today, with the Super Mario Bros. movie looming in the not too distant future, we reflect on what it would be like if Mario had his own sitcom…
“Coming soon to a streaming platform near you, ‘Mario’ is a show about nothing.”
Well…we to wish would come soon Recently, we stumbled across what appears to be a significant set of pre-production documents related to a ‘Mario’ sitcom that apparently failed to get off the ground. The documents include the casting call for the main characters, along with four scripted scenes featuring Mario himself, Luigi, Peach, Toad, and Bowser.
The sitcom itself was billed as a “show about nothing”, depicting Mario’s everyday life along with his friends (and a few enemies) in the Mushroom Kingdom. How can you have a show about nothing, you ask? Well, what did you do today? Perhaps you stretched out on a sofa watching ’90 Day Fiancé’ while eating some brie? Well, there’s your show! That’s a show.
However, it may sound quite familiar to some, and we suspect this might be why it was never commissioned. However, for a look at the main cast of characters, check out this copy of the casting call we got below:
The fun doesn’t end there! Below is a sample of Mario’s pilot script, depicting four scenes with the main characters and the situations they find themselves in…
in t. Lakitu Coffee – Day
Mario and Luigi are sitting at a table, drinking coffee and discussing Mario’s breakup with Peach.
Luis: Why do they make sugar cubes? What’s the point of sugar cubes? Wouldn’t it be more efficient to just store sugar in a container and let us add the exact required quantity? You have to be so precise with the cubes: one is too little, two is too much, it’s absurd!
Mario: Luigi, can you just add the cube?
Luis: I’m adding it, I’m adding it. So what did you get up for last night?
Mario: Well, I ironed my clothes, watched some ‘Yoshi’s Love Island’, and had a pretty good burrito. Oh, and Peach broke up with me.
Luigi babbles into his coffee.
Luis: Wait, wait, she what? What is this, what happened?
Mario: She gave me the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” routine, can you believe it?
Luis: You made that up!
Mario: I know! However, we will remain friends; in fact, he’s coming over tonight to pick up an air conditioner from Toad.
Luis: Why does Toad have a spare air conditioner?
Mario: I don’t know why Toad has anything? It’s a riddle.
Luis: TRUE.
Luigi takes a sip of his coffee and immediately spits it out.
Luis: Oh, Heavens… Watch? Too sweet!
in t. Mario’s Apartment – Day
Mario stands at the kitchen counter eating a bowl of cereal. The apartment’s front door is flung open and Toad slides out at full speed.
Toad: Oh hello!
Mario: Hello! How are you?
Toad: Listen, I have a great idea for your plumbing business, Mario, you’re going to to love that. So you’re there grafting for hours and you think “Oh man, this plumbing is making me thirsty!”, but you forgot your water bottle at home! Well listen to this… A water bottle with a hexagonal neck. So when you’re fixing pipes and such, you can keep the bottle as your primary tool for tightening bolts. Y You can quench your thirst at the same time!
Mario: Toad, that’s disgusting, do you think I want to put something in my mouth that has been in contact with the toilet pipes? Also, all the water would fall out!
Toad: It will come with a microfiber cloth and a spill guard, Mario, I’ve got it all figured out!
Mario: No I dont think so.
The apartment doorbell rings. Mario answers.
Mario: Yes?
Peach: It’s peach!
Mario: Let’s go up.
Toad: So what do you think? Are you going to try?
Mario: Of course not!
Toad: Come on, it’s going to make your life so much better!
At the open door of the apartment, a figure comes into view. It’s Bowser. Mario and Bowser look at each other with utter contempt.
Mario: Hello, Bowser.
Bowser: Hello Mario.
Mario: To do you to wish?
Bowser: I’m here to give Toad back his air conditioner. It’s right outside the door.
Toad: How nice, thanks! Yeah, that’s for Peach.
Bowser: Peach? Really? She comes here?
Mario: Do not even think about it!
Bowser: Oh come on Mario you gotta help me here what kind of stuff is she into? Where do you like to eat? you have to give me something!
Mario: Peach wouldn’t date you if you were the last Koopa in the Mushroom Kingdom, I promise!
Bowser: Damn you mario
Peach reaches the door and enters the apartment.
Peach: Hello, comrades!
He notices Bowser and his smile falls faster than a bowling ball.
Bowser: Why, hello th-
Peach: Not if you were the last Koopa in the Mushroom Kingdom, dude.
Bowser: Dammit! Well, I’ll go then. Thanks for the “help”, Mario… I hope your email doesn’t arrive lost in the next few days… Bye… Mario… Hehehehehehe!
Bowser leaves in cruel delight.
Mario: [under his breath] Bowser!
in t. Pauline’s Pullovers – Day
Mario is helping Luigi find the perfect birthday present for Peach. They meet at Pauline’s Pullovers, a clothing store in the Mushroom Kingdom shopping district.
Luis: Look, do I really need to give Peach such an extravagant gift?
Mario: She got you a job interview, it’s the least you can do!
Luis: I know, but I don’t know what to buy. What do you get for a princess?
Mario: Well, what about this?
Mario chooses a stunning cashmere sweater in pink.
Luis: What is this, cashmere?
Mario: I think so.
Luis: Well, who doesn’t love cashmere? Come on, it’s too expensive.
Mario: Wait wait wait. Hey, that’s 50 coins less than 500!
Luis: What? I eat?
Mario: Oh… here you go… There’s a red dot here. Look at it? And he says “no change” on the label.
Mario hands the sweater to Luigi.
Luis: Do you think he would care about a red dot?
Mario: Hard to say!
Luis: I don’t even think she noticed it, can you see it?
Mario: Well I can see, I know where it is.
Luis: Pretend you don’t know… Can you see it?
Mario: I can’t pretend, I can already see it, I can’t unsee what I’ve already seen!
Luis: Look, just take a look!
Mario: Do you want an overview? I see a cheap man trying to get away with murder, that’s my general description!
in t. Mario’s Apartment – Day
It’s Peach’s birthday. She enters Mario’s apartment. Mario and Luigi are already hanging out and Luigi is anxiously waiting to give Peach his birthday present, terrified that he might notice the red spot.
Peach: Hello!
Mario: Happy birthday!
Luigi’s nerves increase.
Luis: H-happy birthday, Peach – hehehe. I, uhh, got you something.
She hands Peach the wrapped cashmere sweater.
Peach: Ohhh Luigi, you didn’t have to!
It breaks the packaging with a single elegant blow. Her mouth stretches into a wide smile.
Peach: Ohhhh my gosh, is this cashmere…?!
Luigi’s confidence returns immediately. He smiles.
Luigi: Oh, of course it’s a cashmere!
Peach: Wow this is amazing! This is one of the best things you’ve ever done, it must have cost a fortune! Mario, how could you let him spend so much?
Mario: Oh, I tried to stop it, believe me!
Peach puts on the cashmere jumper. Meanwhile, Toad slips into the apartment.
Toad: Yoooo! Hi Peach, Happy Birthday! Whoooaaa, nice sweater, is this new?
Peach: Oh yeah, Luigi bought it for me, good huh?
Toad: Well, yes, except for that red stain.
Peach turns to Toad, confused. Mario and Luigi look at each other horrified.
Peach: What?!
He notices the stain on the cashmere and his face falls.
Peach: What is this?! Luis..??
Peach looks up, her face red with rage. Luigi has already escaped from the apartment.
It has “success” written all over it, right? I can’t see how this one didn’t make it past the pilot season. Maybe Netflix will bring it back as an alternate take or counterpart to the next Super Mario Bros. movie; Loki to the Mario movie avengers! Definitely.
If you have any ideas on how Mario and co. could be depicted on film or TV, then let us know in the comments.
